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 The Local Game Warden
 
 
Sep 18, 2006 - 05:05 AM :: Admin :: 3196 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UPThe local game warden in a small town in Oregon had arrested a man for killing and eating an Egret. The man went before a judge to plead his case. After pleading guilty, but with an explanation, the judge asked him why he did it.


"I was just trying to feed my hungry family," he told the judge, "and I've never done anything like that before."


The judge, being a family man himself, had a soft heart and agreed to let the man go free, since he was only trying to feed his starving family and it was his first and only offense.


"Before you go, though, I want to ask you a question," the judge quipped, "What does Egret taste like?"


"Well your Honor," the man told him, "Its not as tender as Spotted Owl but its better than Bald Eagle!"

 
 
 The Americans and The Japanese
 
 
Sep 18, 2006 - 05:04 AM :: Admin :: 3104 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UPThe Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a competitive boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day the Japanese won by a mile.

The American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommend corrective action.

The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering.

After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the American team's management structure was completely reorganized.

The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers, and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive.

The next year, the Japanese won by two miles!

Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.
 
 
 The Train Signalman Application
 
 
Sep 18, 2006 - 05:04 AM :: Admin :: 3889 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UPAndy wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector puts this question to him: "What would you do if you realised that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?"

Andy says, "I would switch the points for one of the trains."

"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.

"Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Andy,

"and I'd use the manual lever over there."

"What if that had been struck by lightning?"

"Then," Andy continues, "I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box."

"What if the phone was engaged?"

"Well in that case," persevered Andy, "I'd rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there."

"What if that was vandalised?"

"Oh well then I'd run into the village and get my uncle Silas."

This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?"

Came the answer, "Because he's never seen a train crash."

 
 
 Wednesday Funnies
 
 
Sep 18, 2006 - 05:04 AM :: Admin :: 3590 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UPA man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says, "the parrot on the left costs 500 dollars".

"Why does the parrot cost so much," asks the man. The shop owner says, "well, the parrot knows how to use a computer".

The man then asks about the next parrot to be told that this one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.

Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot to be told that it costs 2,000 dollars. Needless to say this begs the question, "What can it do?"

To which the shop owner replies, "to be honest I have never seen it do a thing, but they refer to him as 'boss'!"

 
 
 Wednesday Funnies
 
 
Sep 18, 2006 - 05:04 AM :: Admin :: 3909 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UPA new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day the departing manager tells him, "I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can't solve."

Three months down the track there is a major drama, everything goes wrong - the usual stuff - and the manager feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope. The message inside says "Blame your predecessor!" He does this and gets off the hook.

About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. The manager quickly opens the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize!" This he does, and the company quickly rebounds.

Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope. The message inside says "Prepare three envelopes".
 
 
 Why Did the Chicken cross the Road? -- Part 2
 
 
Sep 18, 2006 - 05:03 AM :: Admin :: 3532 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UPM.C.Escher: That depends on which plane of reality the chicken was on at the time.

George Orwell: Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving their interests.

Colonel Sanders: I missed one?

Plato: For the greater good.

Aristotle: To actualize its potential.

Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.

Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.

Skinner: Because the external influences, which had pervaded its sensorium from birth, had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own freewill.

Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?

The Sphinx: You tell me.

Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature.

Emily Dickenson: Because it could not stop for death.

Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.

Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.

Saddam Hussein #1: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Saddam Hussein #2: It is the Mother of all Chickens.

Joseph Stalin: I don't care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omelet.

Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes the chicken crossed the road, but why he crossed, I've not been told!

OJ Simpson: It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time.

 
 
 Journalist Jokes
 
 
Sep 18, 2006 - 05:03 AM :: Admin :: 4046 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UPThree men: an editor, a photographer, and a journalist are covering a political convention in Miami. They decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish."

The photographer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.

The journalist went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.

Last, but not least, it was the editor's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie.

"I want them both back after lunch" replied the editor, "the deadline for tomorrow's newspaper is in about ten hours.
 
 
 Journalist Jokes
 
 
Sep 18, 2006 - 05:03 AM :: Admin :: 3923 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UPA photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.

"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes."

"Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation.

After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"


 
 
 Paper Shredder
 
 
Sep 18, 2006 - 05:02 AM :: Admin :: 3349 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UPThe new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused.


"Need some help?" a secretary asked.


"Yes," he replied. "How does this thing work?"


"Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder.


"Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"

 
 
 Strength against Age
 
 
Sep 18, 2006 - 05:02 AM :: Admin :: 2772 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UPA strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of Morris, one of the older workmen. After several minutes, Morris had enough.


"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."


"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "It's a bet! Let's see what you got."


Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

 
 
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