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 Weekend Funnies
 
 
Sep 18, 2006 - 04:58 AM :: Admin :: 1114 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UPAn airliner is coming into land at an airport obscured by fog. Visibility is practically nil, the radar system is on the blink, so the pilot has to land on wits alone.

"Flaps, check," he says to the co-pilot,
"Landing Gear, check.
Altitude, check.
Right, we're going in. Hold on."

The plane lands and comes to a screeching, grinding halt; just short of the edge of the runway. "Holy Cow!" exclaims the pilot, "This must be the shortest runway I've ever landed on!"

The co-pilot looks left and right and says "Yeah, and about the widest, too..

 
 
 The Misspelled E-Mail
 
 
Jul 15, 2006 - 06:58 PM :: Admin :: 1104 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UPIt's wise to remember how easily email -- this wonderful technology -- can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.


Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida.

His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.

Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.
  
 
 You know You are from Georgia When ... Part I
 
 
Jul 15, 2006 - 06:58 PM :: Admin :: 1132 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UP1. You can properly pronounce Chickamauga, DeKalb, Dahlonega, Smyrna, Buena Vista, Valdosta, Okefenokee, and La Fayette.
(P.S. Atlanta = ADD-LANNA not AT-LANT-A.)

2. You think people who complain about the heat in their states are sissies.

3. A tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in the yard and look for a funnel.

4. You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but by the availability of shade.

5. Stores don't have bags or shopping carts, they have sacks and buggies.

6. You've seen people wear bib overalls at weddings and funerals.

7. You think everyone from a Yankee-state has an accent.

8. You measure distance in minutes.

9. You go to the lake because you think it is like going to the ocean.

10. You listen to the weather forecast before picking out an outfit.

11. You know cow pies are not made of beef.

12. Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan their wedding date.

13. You know someone who has a belt buckle bigger than your fist.

14. Almost everyone you know is either Baptist or Methodist.

15. A Mercedes Benz isn't a status symbol. A Chevy Silverado Extended Bed Crew Cab is.

16. You know everything goes better with Ranch dressing.
  
 
 Airline Attendant
 
 
Jul 15, 2006 - 06:58 PM :: Admin :: 1121 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UPI couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now First," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"

While working at a Pizza Parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6.

He though about it for some time before responding, "just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6!"
  
 
 Think You've Heard It All?
 
 
Jul 15, 2006 - 06:58 PM :: Admin :: 1066 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UPSome guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it". For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it.

He eventually decided that people were too untrusting of this deal.

It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50".

The next day someone stole it.



24/7 Tech Support
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialled is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."

He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"

Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific" . . . . . . .


 
 
 Think You Know Everything?
 
 
Jul 15, 2006 - 06:58 PM :: Admin :: 1075 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UP1) Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

2) No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

3) "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".

4) Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

5) The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.

6) The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).

7) There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

8) There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."

9) TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

10) All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill

11) A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

12) A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

13) A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

14) A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

15) A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
  
 
 How Was I Born?
 
 
Jul 15, 2006 - 06:58 PM :: Admin :: 1133 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UPA boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his mother, "How was I born?"

"Well honey..." said the slightly prudish mother, "the stork brought you to us." "Oh," said the boy, "and how did you and daddy get born?"

"Oh, the stork brought us too." "Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" the boy persisted.

"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the mother, by now starting to squirm a little.

Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence:

"This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

 
 
 Two Biologists and a Bear
 
 
Jul 15, 2006 - 06:57 PM :: Admin :: 1088 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UPTwo biologists are in the field following the tracks of a radio-collared grizzly bear. All of a sudden, the bear crashes out of the brush and heads right for them. They scramble up the nearest tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them.

The first biologist starts taking off his heavy leather hiking boots and pulls a pair of sleek running shoes from his back-pack. The second biologist gives him a puzzled look and says, "What in the world are you doing?"

He replies, "I figure when the bear gets close to us, we'll jump down and make a run for it."

The second guy says, "Are you crazy? We both know you can't outrun a full-grown grizzly bear."

The first guy says, "I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!"
  
 
 Murphy's Technology Laws
 
 
Jul 15, 2006 - 06:57 PM :: Admin :: 1118 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UPMurphy's Technology Law #1 -- You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

Murphy's Technology Law #2 -- Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.

Murphy's Technology Law #3 -- Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.

Murphy's Technology Law #4 -- If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.

Murphy's Technology Law #5 -- All great discoveries are made by mistake.

Murphy's Technology Law #6 -- Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.

Murphy's Technology Law #7 -- All's well that ends... period.

Murphy's Technology Law #8 -- A meeting is an event at which minutes are kept and hours are lost.

Murphy's Technology Law #9 -- The first myth of management is that it exists.

Murphy's Technology Law #10 -- A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection.

Murphy's Technology Law #11 -- New systems generate new problems.

Murphy's Technology Law #12 -- Any given program, when running, is obsolete.

Murphy's Technology Law #13 -- A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.
  
 
 The Golfer
 
 
Jul 07, 2006 - 06:47 AM :: Admin :: 1100 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UPTwo guys are golfing on a course that is right next to a cemetery.

After they tee off, one of the golfers notices that there is a funeral procession passing by.

So he takes off his hat, and places it over his heart. When the funeral is over, the other golfer looks at the guy and asks, "Why did you do that?"

The man replies, "Well we were married for almost 40 years - It's the least I could do.

 
 
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