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 Swimming With The Alligators
Jul 07, 2006 - 06:47 AM :: Admin :: 992 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UPA millionaire threw a magnificent party for his many friends. Only one thing was bothering everyone, his very large pool was filled with alligators. Towards the end of the evening he stood before a podium and announced to his guests, "The first person that swims across this here pool will get a million dollars!"

He then stepped back and waited for a response. No one responded, so he made another offer "I'll give the first person a million dollars and my mansion." Once again he stepped back and waited. Finally he said, "I'll give you a million dollars, my mansion, and a choice between my Corvette or Lamborghini".

Suddenly he heard a splash, turned to see a man swimming across the pool hitting one alligator up side the head, wrestling one after the other. With lots of luck the man reached the other end of the pool, he climbed out at the millionaire's feet. The millionaire congratulated him and invited him up to his office to receive his awards. When they got to his office the millionaire asked, "What do you want, the Corvette or Lamborghini?"

The man replied ... "I want the jerk that pushed me into the pool!!"

 Some Rules of Life
Jul 07, 2006 - 06:47 AM :: Admin :: 995 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UP* Lerman's Law of Technology: Any technical problem can be overcome given enough time and money. Corollary: You are never given enough time or money.

* Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.

* Law of the Search: The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it. Corollary: It will not be in the last place you expect to find it.

* Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.

* The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.

* Miller's Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens.

* First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing something else.

* Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references.

* Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness: Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.

* Kenny's Law of Auto Repair: The part requiring the most consistent repair or replacement will be housed in the most inaccessible location.

* Second Law of Business Meetings: If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you will pick the wrong one. Corollary - If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it wrong anyway.

* The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.

* Yeager's Law: Washing machines break down only during the wash cycle. Corollary: All breakdowns occur on the plumber's day off.

* Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.

* Quile's Consultation Law: The job that pays the most will be offered when there is no time to deliver the services.

* Loftus' Law: Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even which book it is.

* Lovka's Dilemma: You never get away, you only get someplace else.

 What is An American Funnies
Jul 07, 2006 - 06:44 AM :: Admin :: 998 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UPWe yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we have to make the down payment on a car.

We whip the enemy in battle, then give them the shirt off our backs.

We yell for speed laws that will stop fast driving, then won't buy a car if it can't go over 100 miles an hour.

Americans get scared to death if we vote a billion dollars for education, then are unconcerned when we find out we are spending three billion dollars a year for cigarettes.

We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and National Leagues but don't know half the words in the "Star Spangled Banner."

We'll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time.

We tie up our dog while letting our sixteen year old son run wild.

We will work hard on a farm so we can move into town where we can make more money so we can move back to the farm.

In the office we talk about baseball, shopping or fishing, but when we are out at the game, the mall or on the lake, we talk about business.

We are the only people in the world who will pay $.50 to park our car while eating a $.25 sandwich.

We're the country that has more food to eat than any other country in the world and more diets to keep us from eating it.

We run from morning to night trying to keep our earning power up with our yearning power.

We're supposed to be the most civilized Christian nation on earth, but we still can't deliver payrolls without an armored car.

We have more experts on marriage than any other country in the world and still have more divorces.
 July 4th Funnies
Jul 07, 2006 - 06:44 AM :: Admin :: 996 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UPQ) How is a healthy person like the United States?
A) They both have good constitutions!

Q) What has feathers, webbed feet, and certain inalienable rights?
A) The Ducklaration of Independence!

Q) Why did the duck say "Bang!"?
A) Because he was a firequacker!

Q) What was Thomas Jefferson's favourite dessert?
A) Monti jello!

Q) Teacher: "Which son of old Virginia wrote the Declaration of Independence?"
A) Student: "I think it was Thomas Jeffer's son."

Q) What did King George think of the American colonists?
A) He thought they were revolting!

Q) Why were the early American settlers like ants?
A) Because they lived in colonies.

Q) What did George Washington say to his army at Valley Forge?
A) "Sorry, men. The flights to Florida are all booked up!"

Q) What would you get if you crossed the American national bird with Snoopy?
A) A bald beagle!

Q) What's red, white, blue, and green?
A) A patriotic pickle!

Q) What did the visitor say as he left the Statue of Liberty?
A) "Keep in torch!"

Q) What's big, cracked, and carries your luggage?
A) The Liberty Bellhop!

Q) Did you hear about the cartoonist in the Continental Army?
A) He was a Yankee doodler!

Q) What's red, white, blue and green?
A) A seasick Uncle Sam!
 July 4th Weekend Funnies
Jul 07, 2006 - 06:43 AM :: Admin :: 986 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UPQ) What happened as a result of the Stamp Act?
A) The Americans licked the British!

Q) Why did the British cross the Atlantic?
A) To get to the other tide!

Q) What would you get if you crossed a patriot with a small curly-haired dog?
A) Yankee Poodle!

Q) Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell?
A) Yeah, it cracked me up!

Q) What would you get if you crossed George Washington with cattle feed?
A) The Fodder of Our Country!

Q) What did one flag say to the other flag?
A) Nothing. It just waved!

Q) What's red, white, black and blue?
A) Uncle Sam falling down the steps!

Q) Where did George Washington buy his hatchet?
A) At the chopping mall!

Q) What kind of tea did the American colonists thirst for?
A) Liber-Tea!

Q) What was General Washington's favourite tree?
A) The infantry!

Q) Which colonists told the most jokes?
A) Punsylvanians!

Q) What would you get if you crossed Washington's home with nasty insects?
A) Mt. Vermin!

Q) What did a patriot put on his dry skin?
A) Revo-lotion!

Q)What dance was very popular in 1776?
A) Indepen-dance!

Q) Which one of Washington's officers had the best sense of humour?
A) Laughayette!

Q) "How was the food at the Fourth of July picnic?
A) "The hot dogs were bad and the brats were wurst!"

Q) What did Washington say as he crossed the Delaware?
A) "Next time I'm going to reserve a seat!"

 The Man and The Ostrich
Jul 07, 2006 - 06:43 AM :: Admin :: 1186 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UPA man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until, the two enter again.

"The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man.

"Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again he man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's fantastic!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

 Funniest Customer Service Responses
Jul 07, 2006 - 06:42 AM :: Admin :: 984 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UPCustomer: "Excuse me, do you know where the thingamabobers are?"
Employee: "Yea, by the whatchamacallits on aisle 6."

Customer: "Do you carry Ink Eradicators? All of the other places do."
Employee: "I think so. I saw 'em by the Ink Accelerators on aisle 4."

Customer: "Wheres the thin plastic strips with sticky stuff on the back that you stick things to other things with?"
Employee: "Hmm... that's a tough one... The closest we have is tape."

Customer: "Excuse me. Do you work here?"
Employee: "Oh... Sorry. I just dress up like this five days a week because I like messing with people's minds..."

Customer: Do you work here?
Employee: Only when the boss is around.

Customer: "Where are the little flat black things you put in computers?"
Employee: "Hmm. I think they are in the computer section next to the disks."

Customer: "Excuse me. Is there a manager in this store?"
Employee: "Nope. Sorry, we only have someone with a "Manager" name tag on to throw people off."

Customer: "Can I open this?"
Employee: "Sure. I'm sure it's different on the inside of the clear wrapping."

Customer: "Do you have a shopping cart?"
Employee: "I think so. Let me look in my pocket. Oh! We moved em' out to the parking lot!"

Customer: "I am looking for something to plug into the back of my computer that lets me use my fax, scanner, printer, copier, and 4-in-1 multi-function machine at the same time."
Employee: "Yea! We have lots of those! Right through that big glass door by the entrance. Don't be confused by that 'Exit' sign."

Customer: "Is this new computer Y2K compliant?"
Employee: "No, sorry. We just received our new 1900 models. We can put your name on the list so we can sell you the new 2K models 100 years from now..."

Customer: "Can you give me a discount on this?"
Employee: "Yea, that's why we have those little stickers with prices on em' on everything."

Customer: "My computer isn't working. Do you know why?"
Employee: "Oh, sorry. I don't have ESP. Let me transfer you to our ESP Technician department."

 You Know You're a Mom When...
Jun 28, 2006 - 04:53 PM :: Admin :: 980 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UP1) Your feet stick to the kitchen floor...and you don't care.

2) When the kids are fighting, you threaten to lock them in a room together and not let them out until someone's bleeding.

3) You can't find your cordless phone, so you ask a friend to call you, and you run around the house madly, following the sound until you locate the phone downstairs in the laundry basket.

4) You spend an entire week wearing sweats.

5) Your idea of a good day is making it through without a child leaking bodily fluids on you.

6) Popsicles become a food staple.

7) Your favorite television show is a cartoon.

8) Peanut butter and jelly is eaten at least in one meal a day.

9) You're willing to kiss your child's boo-boo, regardless of where it is.

10) You're so desperate for adult conversation that you spill your guts to the telemarketer that calls and HE hangs up on YOU!

11) You buy cereal with marshmallows in it.

12)The closest you get to gourmet cooking is making rice crispy bars.
 You Know You're Getting Even Older When...
Jun 27, 2006 - 03:01 PM :: Admin :: 967 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UP1) You and your teeth don't sleep together.

2) Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.

3) At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.

4) Your back goes out, but you stay home.

5) When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.

6) It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

7) When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

8) When happy hour is a nap.

9) When you're on vacation, and your energy runs out before your money does.

10) When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you, and you always hated it.

11) When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.

12) When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.

13) Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.

14) It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

15) Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
 Are You Owned by Your Dog?
Jun 26, 2006 - 11:23 PM :: Admin :: 1048 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UPHow many of these statements apply to you and your dog?

1) You believe every dog is a lap dog.

2) If you are cold, you put a sweater on your dog.

3) You have a picture of your dog in your wallet, but not one of your kids.

4) You often claim that it was love at first sight with you and your dog.

5) You have your dog talk to your friends on the phone.

6) You can't fully enjoy yourself without your dog.

7) No matter how large your bed is, it is not large enough for you and your dog (s).

8) You spend more on clothes and food for your dog than you do for yourself.

9) You have no reservations about kissing your dog on the lips, even when you know where his lips have been.

10) You believe it is your duty to talk to, pat, and even feed every dog in the neighborhood. You know their names.

11) You let the neighbor's dog sleep over.

12) You believe there is no such thing as a naughty dog.

13) Your vet and grooming bills exceed your rent.

14) When you need someone to talk to, your dog is your first choice.

15) You sit on the floor if the dog got in the chair first.
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