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 Plays On Words
Jun 25, 2006 - 12:59 AM :: Admin :: 832 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UP1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

2. A will is a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count who votes.

6. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

7. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

8. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

9. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

10. A calendar's days are numbered.

11. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

12. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
 Murphy's Laws of Computing
Jun 23, 2006 - 06:22 PM :: Admin :: 773 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UPWhen computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.

When the going gets tough, upgrade.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

He who laughs last probably made a back-up.

A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.

The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do
 A Mechanic's Work
Jun 23, 2006 - 06:21 PM :: Admin :: 1922 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UPA mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon in his shop, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come to take a look at his car.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hello Doctor! Please come over here for a minute." The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So doctor, look at this. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this will work as a new one.

So how come you get the big money, when you and me are doing basically the same work?"

The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic ..... He said : "Try to do it when the engine is running".
 Before and After Children
Jun 21, 2006 - 11:17 AM :: Admin :: 758 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UPBEFORE Children: I was thankful for the opportunity to vacation in exotic foreign countries so I could experience a different way of life in a new culture.

AFTER Children: I am thankful to have time to make it all the way down the driveway to get the mail.

BEFORE Children: I was thankful for the Moosewood Vegetarian cookbook.

AFTER Children: I am thankful for the butterball turkey hotline.

BEFORE Children: I was thankful for a warm, cozy home to share with my loved ones.

AFTER Children: I am thankful for the lock on the bathroom door.

BEFORE Children: I was thankful for material objects like custom furniture, a nice car and trendy clothes.

AFTER Children: I am thankful when the baby spits up and misses my good shoes.

BEFORE Children: I was thankful for my wonderful family.

AFTER Children: I am thankful for my wonderful family.

 The Magic Golf Ball
Jun 21, 2006 - 11:17 AM :: Admin :: 771 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UPA golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, when a salesman runs up to him and yells, "Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!"

The golfer, annoyed, says, "What is it?"
"It's a special golf ball," says the salesman. "You can never lose it!"

"Whattaya mean," scoffs the golfer, "you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?"

"No problem," says the salesman. "It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it."

"Well, what if you hit it into the woods?"

"Easy," says the salesman. "It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed."

"Okay," says the golfer, impressed. "But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?"

"No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I'm telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!"

The golfer buys it at once. "Just one question," he says to the salesman. "Where did you get it?"

"I found it."

 Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear a Dad Say
Jun 18, 2006 - 11:49 AM :: Admin :: 792 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UP10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.

9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for un-chaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?

8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude ... I like that.

7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- Go Crazy!

6. What do you mean you want play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?

5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ... you might want to consider throwing a party.

4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.

2. What Do You want to go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

1. Father's Day? Ahhh, don't worry about that- it's no big deal!

 Funny Things To Do in An Elevator
Jun 17, 2006 - 01:58 AM :: Admin :: 804 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UP1) Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.

2) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"

3) On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.

4) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"

5) Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upsidedown.

6) Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

7) Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

8) On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.

9) Do Tai Chi exercises.

10) Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
 Signs You're Watching a Low-Budget Movie
Jun 17, 2006 - 01:57 AM :: Admin :: 936 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UPMost of the special effects involve Legos.

View out the spaceship "window" looks an awful lot like your screen saver.

Flushing sounds heard before waterfall scenes.

Something tells you that "Star Wars Episode II: Porky's Revenge" isn't a George Lucas production.

That "LOW BATT" you see isn't a subtitle.

Hard to believe an International Superspy would drive a Gremlin.

During the dramatic shot of the ocean liner sinking, you can clearly see a gigantic bar of Ivory Soap in the background.

Either that's a zipper or Godzilla has had a vasectomy.

"Starring Tae Bo master Billy Blanks as Nelson Mandela."

 Differences Between You and Your Boss
Jun 14, 2006 - 04:27 PM :: Admin :: 784 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UPWhen you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.

When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.

When you please your boss, you're apple polishing.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.

When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.
 A Cat's Sense
Jun 13, 2006 - 06:42 AM :: Admin :: 788 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UPA man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that darn thing on the phone, I'm lost! and need directions!"
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