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 Don't Call Home for Money
 
 
Jun 12, 2006 - 12:00 PM :: Admin :: 820 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UPA fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car???!!!"

He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

"With what money?" demanded his parents. We know what a Porsche costs."

"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."

So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. I don't know her name-they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."

"Oh my Goodness," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."

So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."
 
 
 Top Ten Signs The Police Chief Doesn't Like You
 
 
Jun 11, 2006 - 11:14 AM :: Admin :: 805 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UP1) He refers to you as "our mascot".

2) Instead of a gun, you were issued a water pistol.

3) Your locker is also the broom closet.

4) The job description in your contract includes "crash test dummy" and "pepper-spray test subject".

5) He sends you on drug raids - alone.

6) He always tells you that only wussies call for back-up.

7) He makes up "missing persons" and then sends you to look for them.

8) You always get the patrol car with the flat tire, no gas, a dead battery, and a broken air conditioner.

9) He lied to you about an "officer exchange program" and put you on a plane to Siberia.

10) He doesn't like to be seen with you in public.
 
 
 10 Years
 
 
Jun 09, 2006 - 04:43 PM :: Admin :: 847 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UPBack during the days of the Soviet Union, it took 10 years to get a car after you paid for one.

Once, a young guy went to the car dealership to order a car. He paid the money, and the asked when can he come and get the car.

"It will be here, waiting for you, exactly 10 years from today".

The man signed the papers, started waliking away and then stooped, turned and asked the salesman: "Wait, will it be ready at the morning or at the afternnon".

"What difference does it make?", asked the salesman.

"Well", answered the man, "the plumber is coming in the morning".
 
 
 The Scotsman on The Bus
 
 
Jun 09, 2006 - 04:43 PM :: Admin :: 778 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UPA Scotsman, carrying a huge suitcase, has been riding a London bus for five miles along its route, all the while attempting to avoid the ticket collector. Finally, the conductor manages to corner him and tells him to pay up: "You've been on for five miles--that'll be 50p, please, and 10p for your suitcase."

The Scotsman responds: "I ha'not, I want a ha'penny fare, just got on this vera moment."

They begin to argue, and the ticket collector becomes more and more enraged and finally, as the bus is passing over London bridge, he grabs the Scotsman's suitcase, and hurls it out of the bus.

It lands in the river and sinks without a trace.

The Scotsman stands shocked for a moment and says to the ticket collector, "Not only are ya trin' to overcharge me for the ticket -- but now you're gone 'n drowned me boy Jonny."
 
 
 Top Ways to Fail A Driver's Test
 
 
Jun 08, 2006 - 11:48 AM :: Admin :: 803 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UP1) Turn the radio on. When the tester goes to turn it off slap his/her hand.

2) Rev the car really high, turn to the tester, and say with an evil look, "Buckle up!"

3) Knock over every cone while doing maneuverability. In the middle of it, get out and check to see if you have hit every one.

4) Come dressed in a suit. Before the examiner gets in the car, ask him/her to put a piece of plastic wrap down so he doesn't dirty the seat.

5) When the examiner tells you to stop, step on the gas. Tell him/her that you thought it was the brake.

6) When the examiner tells you to stop, pop the hood clutch and say, "Oops."

7) Get in the car, look down at the pedals, and say, "Now which one is the gas again?"

8) After the examiner gets in the car, pop the hood, and get out and check the oil.

9) Fill your car with beer bottles.

10) The whole time driving, talk about how Aunt Gertrude smells like mothballs.

11) Tell the registrar that you are taking the remedial test.

12) In the middle of driving, put your arm around the examiner.

13) When you stop at a light, start revving the engine while looking back and forth between the person next to you and the light.

14) Beep your horn at everything.

15) Break off your rear-view mirror and then ask the examiner to hold it up.
 
 
 Computer Points to Ponder
 
 
Jun 07, 2006 - 10:30 AM :: Admin :: 801 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UP1) Do Viruses ever get sick?

2) Do witches run spell checkers?

3) Does a broken Window get you 7 meg. of bad luck?

4) How come programmers find it so easy to master the special language that runs
computers, yet those same folks who write the technical manuals for the rest of us have no grip on simple English?

5) How come the users can find all the computer bugs and not the programmers or analysts?

6) How do you press F1 when your PC has a keyboard error or no keyboard present?

7) If a food processor slices and dices food, what does a word processor do?

8) If Ignorance is Bliss, then why aren't there more happy Windows 98 users?

9) Is AOL so expensive because someone has to pay for those free disks?

10) Is it true that in Russia, a KGB keyboard has no escape key?

11) Why do most software developers call bugs they can't fix, features?

12) Just where is the "any" key anyway?

13) Why does the computer auto-save while you are trying to delete?

14) Why do they call it a hard disk if its damaged with the slightest impact?

15) Why do we trust computers when they make as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 people working 20 years make?

 
 
 Hotel Funnies
 
 
Jun 06, 2006 - 11:33 AM :: Admin :: 774 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UPA person checks into a hotel for the first time in his life, and goes up to his room. Five minutes later he calls the desk and say, "You've given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?"

The desk clerk says, "Sir, that's absurd. Have you looked for the door?"

The person says, " Well, there's one door that leads to the bathroom. There's a second door that goes into the closet. And there's a door I haven't tried, but it has a "Do Not Disturb" sign on it."


A traveler pulls into a hotel around midnight and asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk fills out the paperwork, the man looks around and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting in the lobby. He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby. After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm.

"Fancy meeting my wife here," he says to the clerk. "Guess I'll need a double room for the night."

Next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be over $3000. "What's the meaning of this?" he yells at the clerk. "I've only been here one night!"

"Yes," says the clerk, "but your wife has been here for three weeks."

 
 
 HOW TO STAY YOUNG
 
 
Jun 06, 2006 - 12:47 AM :: Admin :: 785 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UP1. Try everything twice. On Madams tombstone (of Whelan's and Madam) she said she wanted this epitaph: Tried everything twice...loved it both times!

2. Keep only cheerful friends . The grouches pull you down. (keep this in mind if you are one of those grouches;)

3. Keep learning: Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain get idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's!

4. Enjoy the simple things.


5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. And if you have a friend who makes you laugh, spend lots and lots of time with HIM/HER.

6. The tears happen: Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with you your entire life, is YOU... LIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love: Whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

11. Forgive now those who made you cry. You might not get a second opportunity.
 
 
 All I Need to Know in Life I Learned From Fishing
 
 
Jun 06, 2006 - 12:45 AM :: Admin :: 784 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UPThere is no such thing as too much equipment.

When in doubt, exaggerate.

If it feels good, it's fishing.

Everyone has a story about the one that got away.

It's good to be at the top of the food chain.

Even the best lines get weak after they've been used a few times.

Sometimes you've really got to squirm to get off the hook.

Cast everything in the best light possible.

Keep one eye on your bobber at all times.

Life is a stream of consciousness thing.

Take time to smell the fishes.

I fish therefore I am.

The way to a fisherman's heart is through his fly.

You never forget your first bite.

A fishing line has a hook at one end and an optimist at the other.

Fish always start to grow after they get away.

Life is a can of worms.

The fishing is always better on the other side of the lake.

When the going gets tough, the tough go fishing.

 
 
 Dusty Housekeeping
 
 
Jun 04, 2006 - 03:50 PM :: Admin :: 871 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UPMy mom is a less than fastidious housekeeper.

One evening my dad returned home from work, walked into the kitchen and teased her, "You know, dear, I can write my name in the dust on the mantel."

Mom turned to him and sweetly replied, "Yes, darling, I know. That's why I married a college graduate."
 
 
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