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Don't Call Home for Money |
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Jun 12, 2006 - 12:00 PM :: Admin :: 905 Reads A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car???!!!"
He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money?" demanded his parents. We know what a Porsche costs."
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."
So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. I don't know her name-they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."
"Oh my Goodness," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."
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10 Years |
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Jun 09, 2006 - 04:43 PM :: Admin :: 939 Reads Back during the days of the Soviet Union, it took 10 years to get a car after you paid for one.
Once, a young guy went to the car dealership to order a car. He paid the money, and the asked when can he come and get the car.
"It will be here, waiting for you, exactly 10 years from today".
The man signed the papers, started waliking away and then stooped, turned and asked the salesman: "Wait, will it be ready at the morning or at the afternnon".
"What difference does it make?", asked the salesman.
"Well", answered the man, "the plumber is coming in the morning".
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The Scotsman on The Bus |
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Jun 09, 2006 - 04:43 PM :: Admin :: 866 Reads A Scotsman, carrying a huge suitcase, has been riding a London bus for five miles along its route, all the while attempting to avoid the ticket collector. Finally, the conductor manages to corner him and tells him to pay up: "You've been on for five miles--that'll be 50p, please, and 10p for your suitcase."
The Scotsman responds: "I ha'not, I want a ha'penny fare, just got on this vera moment."
They begin to argue, and the ticket collector becomes more and more enraged and finally, as the bus is passing over London bridge, he grabs the Scotsman's suitcase, and hurls it out of the bus.
It lands in the river and sinks without a trace.
The Scotsman stands shocked for a moment and says to the ticket collector, "Not only are ya trin' to overcharge me for the ticket -- but now you're gone 'n drowned me boy Jonny."
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Top Ways to Fail A Driver's Test |
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Jun 08, 2006 - 11:48 AM :: Admin :: 884 Reads 1) Turn the radio on. When the tester goes to turn it off slap his/her hand.
2) Rev the car really high, turn to the tester, and say with an evil look, "Buckle up!"
3) Knock over every cone while doing maneuverability. In the middle of it, get out and check to see if you have hit every one.
4) Come dressed in a suit. Before the examiner gets in the car, ask him/her to put a piece of plastic wrap down so he doesn't dirty the seat.
5) When the examiner tells you to stop, step on the gas. Tell him/her that you thought it was the brake.
6) When the examiner tells you to stop, pop the hood clutch and say, "Oops."
7) Get in the car, look down at the pedals, and say, "Now which one is the gas again?"
8) After the examiner gets in the car, pop the hood, and get out and check the oil.
9) Fill your car with beer bottles.
10) The whole time driving, talk about how Aunt Gertrude smells like mothballs.
11) Tell the registrar that you are taking the remedial test.
12) In the middle of driving, put your arm around the examiner.
13) When you stop at a light, start revving the engine while looking back and forth between the person next to you and the light.
14) Beep your horn at everything.
15) Break off your rear-view mirror and then ask the examiner to hold it up.
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Hotel Funnies |
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Jun 06, 2006 - 11:33 AM :: Admin :: 866 Reads A person checks into a hotel for the first time in his life, and goes up to his room. Five minutes later he calls the desk and say, "You've given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?"
The desk clerk says, "Sir, that's absurd. Have you looked for the door?"
The person says, " Well, there's one door that leads to the bathroom. There's a second door that goes into the closet. And there's a door I haven't tried, but it has a "Do Not Disturb" sign on it."
A traveler pulls into a hotel around midnight and asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk fills out the paperwork, the man looks around and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting in the lobby. He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby. After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm.
"Fancy meeting my wife here," he says to the clerk. "Guess I'll need a double room for the night."
Next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be over $3000. "What's the meaning of this?" he yells at the clerk. "I've only been here one night!"
"Yes," says the clerk, "but your wife has been here for three weeks."
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HOW TO STAY YOUNG |
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Jun 06, 2006 - 12:47 AM :: Admin :: 865 Reads 1. Try everything twice. On Madams tombstone (of Whelan's and Madam) she said she wanted this epitaph: Tried everything twice...loved it both times!
2. Keep only cheerful friends . The grouches pull you down. (keep this in mind if you are one of those grouches;)
3. Keep learning: Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain get idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's!
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. And if you have a friend who makes you laugh, spend lots and lots of time with HIM/HER.
6. The tears happen: Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with you your entire life, is YOU... LIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love: Whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
11. Forgive now those who made you cry. You might not get a second opportunity. |
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Quotes |
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"People are like tea bags, you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are"
-- Anon.
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Jokes |
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- The Local Game Warden
(Sep 18, 2006)
- The Americans and The Japanese
(Sep 18, 2006)
- The Train Signalman Application
(Sep 18, 2006)
- Wednesday Funnies
(Sep 18, 2006)
- Wednesday Funnies
(Sep 18, 2006)
- Why Did the Chicken cross the Road? -- Part 2
(Sep 18, 2006)
- Journalist Jokes
(Sep 18, 2006)
- Journalist Jokes
(Sep 18, 2006)
- Paper Shredder
(Sep 18, 2006)
- Strength against Age
(Sep 18, 2006)
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