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 You Know You Need a New Housekeeper When...
 
 
Jun 04, 2006 - 03:49 PM :: Admin :: 910 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UP* Online Housekeepers instructs you to attach vacuum cleaner and mop to your computer's USB port.

* Keeps looking nervously at the TV and asking if you're planning to watch America's Most Wanted.

* First question: "Do you fold your towels before you put them away?"

* She's great with the food budget -- but the hamsters are missing and last night's burgers tasted a bit funky.

* "I'm sorry, but due to a recent federal ruling, I don't do Windows."

* When confronted about nothing being cleaned, insists that "Scrubbing Bubbles does the work so I don't have too."

 
 
 All I Need to Know About Life I Learned From Shopping
 
 
Jun 01, 2006 - 10:25 AM :: Admin :: 803 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UPGet it now. Tomorrow it might be gone.

If it's on sale, you need it.

Never ask your mother her opinion.

You can always take it back.

You'll grow into it.

By the time you need it, you'll lose ten pounds.

Never believe anyone who says, "It's really you".

If they're working on commission, they're lying.

Know when to yell, "Charge!"

So many malls, so little time.

If you put it on your credit card, it's not really spending money.

Always try to spend someone else's money first.

There's no such thing as compulsive shopping, just enthusiastic shopping.

Shopping is patriotic. It's good for the economy.

If you've still got checks, there must be money in the account.

You can always get more credit.

If you want it, you deserve it.
 
 
 Scotsman in Cuba
 
 
May 31, 2006 - 12:36 PM :: Admin :: 854 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UPA Scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba and is minding his business when a man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.


The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says, "Alright then" and the man leaves.


A few minutes later another man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.


The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says "Alright then" and the man leaves.


The Scotsman gets an idea and walks up to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. He drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.

The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The Scotsman says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says, "Hey where is your big black beard?"

The Scotsman thinks quickly. He lifts his Kilt and says, "Secret Service!"

 
 
 A Physician, a Civil Engineer, and a Consultant
 
 
May 31, 2006 - 12:34 PM :: Admin :: 904 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UPA physician, a civil engineer, and a consultant were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world.

The physician remarked, "Well, in the Bible, it says that God created Eve from a rib taken out of Adam. This clearly required surgery, and so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world."

The civil engineer interrupted, and said, "But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong: mine is the oldest profession in the world."

The consultant leaned back in her chair, smiled, and then said confidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?"
 
 
 Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear from your Consultant
 
 
May 31, 2006 - 12:34 PM :: Admin :: 871 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UP1) You're right; we're billing way too much for this.

2) Bet you I can go a week without saying "synergy" or "value-added".

3) How about paying us based on the success of the project?

4) This whole strategy is based on a Harvard business case I read.

5) Actually, the only difference is that we charge more than they do.

6) I don't know enough to speak intelligently about that.

7) Implementation? I only care about writing long reports.

8) I can't take the credit. It was Ed in your marketing department.

9) The problem is, you have too much work for too few people.

10) Everything looks okay to me. You really don't need me.
 
 
 You've Had Way Too Much Coffee When...
 
 
May 29, 2006 - 08:20 PM :: Admin :: 892 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UP1) Juan Valdez names his donkey after you.

2) You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

3) You sleep with your eyes open.

4) You lick your coffeepot clean.

5) Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

6) You can jump-start your car without cables.

7) Your only source of nutrition comes from Sweet & Low.

8) You don't sweat, you percolate.

9) You've worn out the handle on your favorite coffee mug.

10) You've worn the finish off you coffee table.

11) The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.

12) Starbuck's owns the mortgage on your house.

13) Your life's goal is to "amount to a hill of beans."

14) Instant coffee takes too long. You name your cats Cream and Sugar.

15) Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.

 
 
 Fishing in The Caribbean
 
 
May 28, 2006 - 09:41 AM :: Admin :: 788 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UPThree guys are fishing in the Caribbean. One guy says, "I had a terrible fire; lost everything. Now the insurance company is paying for everything and that's why I'm here."

The second guy says, "I had a terrible explosion; lost everything. Now the insurance company is paying for everything and that's why I'm here."

The third guy says, "What a coincidence. I had a terrible flood; lost everything. Now the insurance company is paying for everything and that's why I'm here."

The other guys turned to him with confusion and asked, "Flood? How do you start a flood?"
 
 
 A Software Manger, A Hardware Manager and A Marketing Manager
 
 
May 28, 2006 - 09:41 AM :: Admin :: 910 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UPA software manager, a hardware manager, and a marketing manager are driving to a meeting when a tire blows. They get out of the car and look at the problem.

The software manager says, "I can't do anything about this - it's a hardware problem."

The hardware manager says, "Maybe if we turned the car off and on again, it would fix itself."

The marketing manager says, "Hey, 75% of it is working - let's ship it!"

 
 
 Little Kids Are Cute
 
 
May 28, 2006 - 09:41 AM :: Admin :: 877 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UPA young girl was very much interested in the progress of her mother's pregnancy...

Finally the day of birth drew near and the girl overheard arrangements being made for her mother to go to the hospital.

She looked at her mother with great puzzlement and said, "Mom, I don't understand. If they're going to deliver the baby, why do you have to go to the hospital?"

 
 
 The Man with Shingles
 
 
May 27, 2006 - 05:41 PM :: Admin :: 769 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UPA fellow walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.

He said, "Shingles."

So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

A few minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles."

So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.

Ten minutes later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles."

So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

Fifteen minutes later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles."

The doctor said, "Where?"

He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

 
 
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