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 A Visit to The Veterinarian
 
 
May 27, 2006 - 05:41 PM :: Admin :: 789 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UPA lady rushes into the veterinarian and screams, "I found my dog unconscious and I can't wake him, do something please!"

The vet lays the dog on the examination table and after a few simple tests he says, "I'm sorry, I don't feel a pulse, I'm afraid your dog is dead".

The lady can't accept this and says, "No, no, he can't be dead, do something else!"

The vet goes into the other room, and comes back with a little cat. The cat jumps up on the table and starts sniffing the dog from head to toe. It sniffs and sniffs up and down the dog, then all of a sudden just stops and jumps off the table and leaves. "Well, that confirms it," the vet says, "your dog is dead."

The lady is very upset but finally settles down. "Okay, I guess you're right. How much do I owe you?" The vet says, "That will be $340."

The lady has a fit and asks, "Why is it so much? After all the vet didn't do anything for the dog."

"Well", the vet replied, "it's $40 for the office visit and $300 for the CAT SCAN!"
 
 
 Banking in New York
 
 
May 26, 2006 - 10:51 AM :: Admin :: 788 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UPA man walks into a New York City bank and says he wants to borrow $2,000 for three weeks. The loan officer asks him what kind of collateral he has. The man says "I've got a Rolls Royce, keep it until the loan is paid off, here's the keys."

The loan officer promptly has the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gives the man $2,000.

Three weeks later the man comes into the bank, pays back the $2,000 loan, plus $10 interest, and regains possession of the Rolls Royce. The loan officer asks him, "Sir, if I may ask, why would a man who drives a Rolls Royce need to borrow two thousand dollars?"

The man answers, "I had to go to Europe for three weeks, and where else could I store a Rolls Royce for that long for ten dollars?"
 
 
 The Banker and The Tailor
 
 
May 26, 2006 - 10:51 AM :: Admin :: 778 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UPA young banker decided to get his first tailor made suit. So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit. A week later he went in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked stunning, he felt that in this suit he can do business.

As he was preening himself in front of the mirror he reached down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he noticed that there were no pockets. He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, "Didn't you tell me you were a banker?"

The young man answered, "Yes, I did."

To this the tailor said, "Who ever heard of a banker with his hands in his own pockets?"
 
 
 The Donkey and The Raffle
 
 
May 24, 2006 - 10:00 AM :: Admin :: 759 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UPA city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."

Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Kenny said, "OK then, just unload the donkey."

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

Kenny, "I'm going to raffle him off."

Farmer, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Kenny, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"

Kenny, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00."

Farmer, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Kenny, " Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron...
 
 
 The Moral of The Story Is
 
 
May 23, 2006 - 11:27 AM :: Admin :: 790 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UPA teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket.."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next, Mary said, "We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they're hatched.."

"Very good," said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far.

Next it was Barney's turn to tell his story: "My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen.... Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete."

"Go on," said the teacher, intrigued.

"Aunt Karen drank the whiskey on the way down to prepare herself; then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What did your father say was the moral of that frightening story?"

"Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking..."
 
 
 Heaven or Hell?
 
 
May 23, 2006 - 04:22 AM :: Admin :: 804 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UPIt comes to the end of Bill Gates long, successful life, he finds himself in the Purgatory waiting room, when God enters...

"Well, Bill," says God, "I'm confused. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell: you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in the world, and yet you've also created some of the most unearthly frustrations known to mankind. I'm going to do something I've never done before: I'm going to let you choose where you want to go."

Bill replies, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"

God says, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly to help you make your decision."

"Okay, where should I go first?" asks Bill.

God says, "That's up to you."

Bill says, "OK, let's try Hell first."

So Bill goes to Hell. It's a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There are thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun is shining, the temperature is just right. The whole thing looks perfect, and Bill is very pleased.

"This is great!" he tells God, "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!"

"Fine," says God, and off they go.

Heaven is a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It very nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thinks for a moment and announces his decision.

"Hmm, I think I prefer Hell." he tells God.

"Fine," says God, "As you desire."

So Bill Gates is taken to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decides to check up on Bill to see how he's doing in Hell. When God arrives in Hell, he finds Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He's being burned and tortured by demons.

"How's everything going, Bill?" God asks.

Bill replies, his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, it's not what I expected at all, I can't believe it. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

God smiles and says, "That was the screen saver."

 
 
 What They Said . . . And What We Did
 
 
May 20, 2006 - 12:51 AM :: Admin :: 748 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UPAccording to the story, after every Quantas Airlines flight the pilots complete a a 'gripe sheet' report, which conveys to the ground crew engineers any mechanical problems on the aircraft during the flight. The engineer reads the form, corrects the problem, then writes details of action taken on the lower section of the form for the pilot to review before the next flight. It is clear from the examples below that ground crew engineers have a keen sense of humor - these are supposedly real extracts from gripe forms completed by pilots with the solution responses by the engineers. Incidentally, Quantas has the best safety record of all the world's major airlines.

(1 = The problem logged by the pilot.) (2 = The solution and action taken by the mechanics.)

1) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
2) Almost replaced left inside main tire.

1) Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
2) Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

1) Something loose in cockpit.
2) Something tightened in cockpit.

1) Dead bugs on windshield.
2) Live bugs on back-order.

1) Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
2) Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

1) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
2) Evidence removed.

1) DME volume unbelievably loud.
2) DME volume set to more believable level.

1) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
2) That's what they're there for.

1) IFF inoperative.
2) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

1) Suspected crack in windshield.
2) Suspect you're right.

1) Number 3 engine missing.
2) Engine found on right wing after brief search.

1) Aircraft handles funny.
2) Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

1) Target radar hums.
2) Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

1) Mouse in cockpit.
2) Cat installed.
 
 
 Things Men Take for Granted
 
 
May 19, 2006 - 04:01 PM :: Admin :: 785 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UP1) Your last name stays put.

2) The garage is all yours.

3) Wedding plans take care of themselves.

4) Chocolate is just another snack.

5) You can never be pregnant.

6) You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

7) You can wear no T-shirt to a water park.

8) Car mechanics tell you the truth.

9) The world is your urinal.

10) You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just 'too icky'.

11) You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

12) Same work, more pay.

13) Wrinkles add character.

14) Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental - $100.

15) People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

 
 
 How many Economists does it take to change a Light Bulb?
 
 
May 18, 2006 - 05:10 PM :: Admin :: 808 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UPNone. If it really needed changing, market forces would have caused it to happen.

None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.

None. The invisible hand does it.

Two. One to assume the existence of ladder and one to change the bulb.

Eight. One to change it and seven to hold everything else constant.

One to prepare the proposal, an econometrician to run the model, one each MS and PhD students to write the theses and dissertations, two more to prepare the journal article (senior authorship not assigned), four to review it, and at least as many to refine the model and replicate the results.
 
 
 The Manager's Balloon Ride
 
 
May 18, 2006 - 05:10 PM :: Admin :: 773 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UPA man takes a balloon ride at a local country fair. A fierce wind suddenly kicks up, causing the balloon to violently leave the fair and carry its occupant out into the countryside. The man has no idea where he is, so he goes down to five meters above ground and asks a passing wanderer: "Excuse me, sir, can you tell me where I am?"

Eyeing the man in the balloon the passer-by says: "You are in a downed red balloon, five meters above ground."

The balloon's unhappy resident replied, "You must be an economist!"

"How could you possible know that?" asked the passer-by.

"Because your answer is technically correct but absolutely useless, and the fact is I am still lost".

"Then you must be in management", said the passer-by.

"That's right! How did you know?"

"You have such a good view from where you are, and yet you don't know where you are and you don't know where you are going. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now your problem is somehow my fault!"
 
 
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