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 Sick Leave
 
 
May 17, 2006 - 11:51 AM :: Admin :: 789 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UPI urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So I hung upside down from the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker asked me what I was doing? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."

I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker followed me, the Boss said to her, "And where do you think you're going?"

She said, "I'm obviously going home too, I can't work in the dark!"




More Funnies
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter!

Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter.

Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!

You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I m driving."



A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
 
 
 The Clever Italian Mathematician
 
 
May 16, 2006 - 09:55 AM :: Admin :: 797 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UPAn recent Italian immigrant to New York wanted a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.

"Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" the Italian says, "Dat is easy." And he proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Italian.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but thi s time the number is 99."

The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has ust drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."

"All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Italian man stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

(You're going to love this one!!!)

The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog came along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, dat make one hundred. So, when I start?"

 
 
 So What's YOUR Excuse?
 
 
May 15, 2006 - 09:11 AM :: Admin :: 815 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UPI actually kept my mammogram appointment. I was met with, "Hi! I'm Belinda!" This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, "All I need you to do is step into this room right hereee, strip to the waist, thennn slip on this gown.

Everything clearrrr?

I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science."

Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors. With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?'

Fine, I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off?

My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity, when we heard, then felt a zap! Complete darkness and the power went off!

"Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag." Belinda headed for the door.

"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?" I shouted.

Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be rightttt backkk."

Before I could shout "NOOOO!" she disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me, half-naked and part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass!

After exchanging polite "Hi, how's it going" type greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.

Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible "Uh, yes, yes I did thanks."

"You bet, take care" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin and making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am sooo sorry!" The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"

And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps....

 
 
 Things My Mother Taught Me
 
 
May 14, 2006 - 06:40 PM :: Admin :: 772 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UPMy Mother taught me LOGIC...

"If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."

My Mother taught me MEDICINE...

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD...

"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"

My Mother taught me ESP... (Extrasensory Perception)

"Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?"

My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE...

"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you... Don't talk back to me!"

My Mother taught me HUMOR...

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My mother taught me ABOUT SEX...

"How do you think you got here?"

My mother taught me about GENETICS...

?You are just like your father!"

My mother taught me about my ROOTS...

"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE...

"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...

"Just wait until your father gets home."

My mother taught me about RECEIVING...

"You are going to get it when we get home."

And my all time favorite thing- JUSTICE...

"One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU. Then you'll see what it's like."
 
 
 Famous Mothers - Part 2
 
 
May 13, 2006 - 04:30 PM :: Admin :: 813 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UP1) Bobbie McCaughey is the mother who holds the record for the most surviving children from a single birth. She gave birth to the first set of surviving septuplets - four boys and three girls -on November 19, 1997, at the University Hospital, Iowa, US. Conceived by in vitro fertilization, the babies were delivered after 31 weeks by caesarean in the space of 16 minutes. The babies are named Kenneth, Nathaniel, Brandon, Joel, Kelsey, Natalie and Alexis.

2) Laura Dern earned a Best Actress Oscar nomination for her illuminating performance as the title character in Rambling Rose, an underrated picture in 1991 that also won a Best Supporting Actress nomination for her mother, Diane Ladd. This was the first time a mother-daughter team had been so honored; they became the first mother and daughter ever nominated for Academy Awards for the same movie.

3) Madonna's mother died when she was five years old.

4) Phyllis Diller, a 40-year-old mother of five and an advertising copywriter for a California radio station, made a rousing comedy debut at San Francisco's Purple Onion in 1957.

5) American talk show host Conan O'Brien's father is Dr. Thomas O'Brien, a noted epidemiologist, the head of microbiology at Peter Brigham Hospital, and a professor at Harvard Medical School. His mother, Ruth Reardon O'Brien, was a partner at Ropes & Gray law firm outside Boston until her 1997 retirement.

6) Meredith Baxter-Birney played the mother, Elyse Keaton on the hit TV sitcom Family Ties. Her actress mother, Whitney Blake, also played a mom: Dorothy Baxter, on TV's Hazel.

7) James McNeill Whistler's best known painting, often called "Whistler's Mother," is actually titled "Arrangement in Black and Gray: The Artist's Mother.

8) Many of the sweaters worn by Mr. Rogers on the popular television show, Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood, were actually knitted by his real mother.

9) Monkee Mike Nesmith's mother, Bette Nesmith Graham was the inventor of Liquid Paper correction fluid. She sold the rights to the Gillette Corporation in 1979 for $47.5 million and when she died in 1980, she left half of her fortune to her son Michael.

10) Hoyt Axton wrote Three Dog Night's "Joy To The World". His mother, Mae Axton wrote "Heartbreak Hotel" for Elvis Presley.

 
 
 Family Problems
 
 
May 11, 2006 - 06:24 PM :: Admin :: 808 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UPOnce two men sat in a bar drinking. The first one said to the other ,"I have a hell lot of family problems."

The second one said ,"I'll tell you mine. I married a widow having a young daughter. My father married my daughter and so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law. My daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother. More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son i.e. my brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson. And you say you have family problems !! ".
 
 
 Funny Mom-Isms - Part 2
 
 
May 11, 2006 - 06:19 PM :: Admin :: 743 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UP1) "Answer me when I ask you a question!"

2) "Are you going out dressed like that?"

3) "Are your hands broken? Pick it up yourself! I'm not your maid!"

4) "Bored! How can you be bored? I was never bored at your age."

5) "Did you clean your room?"

6) "I don't care who started it, YOU stop it!"

7) "Don't cross your eyes or they'll freeze that way."

8) "Don't EVER let me catch you doing that again!"

9) "Don't put that in your mouth, you don't know where it's been."

10) "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all."

11) "If you don't clean your plate, you won't get any dessert."

12) "How can you have nothing to wear? Your closet is FULL of clothes!"

13) "How many times do I have to tell you?"

14) "If you don't stop crying, I am going to give you something to cry about!"

15) "I'll treat you like an adult when you start acting like one."
 
 
 Famous Mothers
 
 
May 10, 2006 - 12:34 PM :: Admin :: 841 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UP1) The youngest mother whose history is authenticated is Lina Medina, who delivered a 6½-pound boy by cesarean section in Lima, Peru in 1939, at an age of 5 years and 7 months. The child was raised as her brother and only discovered that Lina was his mother when he was 10.

2) On April 9, 2003, Satyabhama Mahapatra, a 65-year-old retired schoolteacher in India, became the world's oldest mother when she gave birth to a baby boy. Satyabhama and her husband had been married 50 years, but this is their first child. The baby was conceived through artificial insemination using eggs from the woman's 26-year-old niece, Veenarani Mahapatra, and the sperm of Veenarani's husband.

3) Eric Clapton was born to an unwed mother and to shield him from the shame, Eric grew up believing that his grandparents were his parents and his mother was his sister.

4) Jayne Bleackley is the mother who holds the record for the shortest interval between two children born in separate confinements. She gave birth to Joseph Robert on September 3, 1999, and Annie Jessica Joyce on March 30, 2000. The babies were born 208 days apart.

5) Elizabeth Ann Buttle is the mother who holds the record for the longest interval between the birth of two children. She gave birth to Belinda on May 19,1956 and Joseph on November 20, 1997. The babies were born 41 years 185 days apart. The mother was 60 years old when her son Joseph was born.

6) The highest officially recorded number of children born to one mother is 69, to the first wife of Feodor Vassilyev (1707-1782) of Shuya, Russia. Between 1725 and 1765, in a total of 27 confinements, she gave birth to 16 pairs of twins, seven sets of triplets, and four sets of quadruplets. 67 of them survived infancy.

7) The modern world record for giving birth is held by Leontina Albina from San Antonio, Chile. Leontina claims to be the mother of 64 children, of which only 55 of them are documented. She is listed in the 1999 Guinness World Records but dropped from later editions.

8) Katherine Hepburn's father was a surgeon and her mother was a dedicated suffragette and early crusader for birth control.

9) Kim Basinger's mother had been a champion swimmer who performed water ballets in several Esther Williams movies in the 1940s.

10) Elvis Presley, was a mama's boy. He slept in the same bed with his mother, Gladys, until he reached puberty. Up until Elvis entered high school, she walked him back and forth to school every day and made him take along his own silverware so that he wouldn't catch germs from the other kids. Gladys forbade young Elvis from going swimming or doing anything that might put him in danger. The two of them also conversed in a strange baby talk that only they could understand.
 
 
 Funny Mom-Isms - Part 1
 
 
May 09, 2006 - 04:27 PM :: Admin :: 791 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UP1) "You'll understand when you're older."

2) "You won't be happy until you break that, will you?"

3) "You can't find it? Well, if you'd put things where they belonged, you wouldn't have this problem."

4) "Who died and left you boss?"

5) "When you have your own house then you can make the rules!"

6) "When I was young we had respect for our elders, now look at the world!"

7) "What if everyone jumped off a cliff? Would you do it, too?"

8) "Say that again and I'll wash your mouth out with soap."

9) "Isn't it past your bedtime?"

10) "I'm not going to ask you again."

11) "I brought you into this world, and I can take you right back out!"

12) "Don't walk away when I'm talking to you!"

13) "Do you think your socks are going to pick themselves up?"

14) "As long as you live under my roof, you'll do as I say."

15) "Am I talking to a brick wall?"

 
 
 Things I learned from my Mother - Part 2
 
 
May 08, 2006 - 10:09 AM :: Admin :: 791 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UP12. My mother taught me about ENVY.

"There are millions of children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

13. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.

"Just wait until we get home."

14. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.

"You are going to get it when you get home."

15. My mother taught me about MEDICAL SCIENCE.

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

16. My mother taught me about ESP.

"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you'll be cold?"

17. My mother taught me about HUMOR.

"When that lawnmower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

18. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

19. My mother taught me about GENETICS.

"You're just like your father."

20. My mother taught me about WISDOM.

"When you get to be my age, you'll understand.

21. My mother taught me about SHARING.

"I'm going to give you a piece of my mind!"

22. My mother taught me about FEAR.

"One day you'll have a child who'll do the same things to you."

 
 
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