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 Who's smarter?
 
 
May 07, 2006 - 08:47 AM :: Admin :: 963 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UPThree women and three men are traveling by train into the city.

At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women buy just one ticket.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the men.

"Watch and learn," answers one of the women.

They all board the train. The three men take their respective seats but all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please. The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, when its time to leave, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station they buy a single ticket ! for the return trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy any ticket at all!! "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed man.

"Watch and learn," answer the women.

When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet, and the three women cram into another toilet just down the way.

Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding. The woman knocks on their door and says, "Ticket, please.
 
 
 Things I learned from my Mother - Part 1
 
 
May 05, 2006 - 06:18 AM :: Admin :: 972 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UP1. My mother taught me to APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me about RELIGION.

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me about LOGIC.

"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me about FORESIGHT.

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

6. My mother taught me about IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

7. My mother taught me about STAMINA.

"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

8. My mother taught me about WEATHER.

"This room of yours looks like a tornado went through it."

9. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.

"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

10. My mother taught me about the CIRCLE OF LIFE.

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

11. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.

"Stop acting like your father!"

 
 
 You're Not Old Unless You Can Remember...
 
 
May 05, 2006 - 05:55 AM :: Admin :: 934 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UP1) Being sent to the drugstore to test vacuum tubes for the TV.

2) When Kool-Aid was the only drink for kids, other than milk and sodas.

3) When there were two types of sneakers for girls and boys (Keds & PF Flyers), and the only time you wore them at school, was for "gym."

4) When it took five minutes for the TV to warm up.

5) When nearly everyone's mom was at home when the kids got there.

6) When nobody owned a purebred dog.

7) When a quarter was a decent allowance, and another quarter a huge bonus.

8) When you'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny.

9)When girls neither dated nor kissed until late high school, if then.

10) When your mom wore nylons that came in two pieces.

11) When all of your male teachers wore neckties and female teachers had their hair done, everyday.

12) When you got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped, without asking,..... for free, every time and you didn't pay for air. And you got trading stamps to boot!

13) When laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box.

14)When any parent could discipline any kid, or feed him, or use him to carry groceries, and nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it.

15) When it was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents.

16) When they threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed...and did!

17) When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited a misbehaving student at home.

 
 
 Everything I Really Need to Know I Learned From Noah's Ark
 
 
May 04, 2006 - 12:40 AM :: Admin :: 972 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UP*Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.

*Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something Really big.

*Don't listen to critics. Do what has to be done.

*Build on the high ground.

*For safety's sake, travel in pairs.

*Two heads are better than one.

*Speed isn't always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board, but so were the snails.

*If you can't fight or flee.....float.

*Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth.

*Don't forget that we're all in the same boat.

*When the doo-doo gets really deep, don't sit there and complain--shovel!

*Stay below deck during the storm.

*Remember that the ark was built by amateurs & the Titanic was built by professionals.

*If you have to start over, have a friend by your side.

*Remember that the woodpeckers INSIDE are often a bigger threat than the storm outside.

*No matter how bleak it looks, there's always a rainbow on the other side.

*DON'T MISS THE BOAT !!!!

 
 
 50 Facts !!
 
 
May 02, 2006 - 04:34 PM :: Admin :: 1089 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UP[1] If you are right handed, you will tend to chew your food on your right side. If you are left handed, you will tend to chew your food on your left side

[2] If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. For when a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.

[3] Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.

[4] Your tongue is germ free only if it is pink. If it is white there is a thin film of bacteria on it.

[5] The Mercedes-Benz motto is 'Das Beste oder Nichts' meaning 'the best or nothing'.

[6] The Titanic was the first ship to use the SOS signal.

[7] The pupil of the eye expands as much as 45 percent when a person looks at something pleasing.

[8] The average person who stops smoking requires one hour less sleep a night.

[9] Laughing lowers levels of stress hormones and strengthens the immune system. Six-year-olds laugh an average of 300 times a day.
Adults only laugh 15 to 100 times a day.

[10] Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."

[11] Dalmatians are born without spots.

[12] Bats always turn left when exiting a cave.

[13] The 'v' in the name of a court case does not stand for 'versus', but for 'and' (in civil proceedings] or 'against' (in criminal proceedings]

[14] Men's shirts have the buttons on the right, but women's shirts have the buttons on the left

[15] The owl is the only bird to drop its upper eyelid to wink. All other birds raise their lower eyelids

[16] The reason honey is so easy to digest is that it's already been digested by a bee

[17] Roosters cannot crow if they cannot extend their necks

[18] The color blue has a calming effect. It causes the brain to release calming hormones

[19] Every time you sneeze some of your brain cells die

[20] Your left lung is smaller than your right lung to make room for your heart

[21] The verb "cleave" is the only English word with two synonyms which are antonyms of each other: adhere and separate

[22] When you blush, the lining of your stomach also turns red

[23] When Hippos are upset, their sweat turns red

[24] The first Harley Davidson motorcycle was built in 1903, and used a tomato can for a carburetor

[25] The lion that roars in the MGM logo is named Volney

[26] Google is actually the common name for a number with a million zeros

[27] Switching letters is called spoonerism. For example, saying jag of Flapan, instead of flag of Japan

[28] It cost 7 million dollars to build the Titanic and 200 million to make a film about it

[29] The attachment of the human skin to muscles is what causes dimples

[30] There are 1,792 steps to the top of the Eiffel Tower

[31] The sound you hear when you crack your knuckles is actually the sound of nitrogen gas bubbles bursting

[32] Human hair and fingernails continue to grow after death

[33] It takes about 20 seconds for a red blood cell to circle the whole body

[34] The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets

[35] Most soccer players run 7 miles in a game

[36] The only part of the body that has no blood supply is the cornea in the eye. It takes in oxygen directly from the air

[37] Every day 200 million couples make love, 400,000 babies are born, and 140,000 people die

[38] In most watch advertisements the time displayed on the watch is
10:10 because then the arms frame the brand of the watch (and make it look like it is smiling.)

[39] Colgate faced big obstacle marketing toothpaste in Spanish speaking countries. Colgate translates into the command "go hang yourself."

[40] The only 2 animals that can see behind itself without turning its
head are the rabbit and the parrot

[41] Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

[42] The average person laughs 13 times a day

[43] Do you know the names of the three wise monkeys? They are: Mizaru(See no evil), Mikazaru(Hear no evil), and Mazaru(Speak no evil)

[44] Women blink nearly twice as much as men

[45] German Shepherds bite humans more than any other breed of dog

[46] Large kangaroos cover more than 30 feet with each jump

[47] Whip makes a cracking sound because its tip moves faster than the speed of sound

[48] Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two
thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death

[49] If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural cause.

[50] The human heart creates enough pressure while pumping to squirt blood 30 feet!!
 
 
 Interesting Modern Philosophies
 
 
May 02, 2006 - 04:31 PM :: Admin :: 946 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UPIf at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. (The corollary is: You never learn to pray until your kids learn to drive!)

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
 
 
 A Lawyer's Kindness
 
 
May 01, 2006 - 04:00 PM :: Admin :: 913 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UPOne afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road-side. He ordered his driver to stop, and he got out to investigate.


"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.


"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.


"Oh, well, you can come with me to my house," instructed the lawyer.


"But, sir, I have a wife and two children with me!"


"Bring them along!" replied the lawyer.


He turned to the other man and said: "You come with us, too."


"But I have a wife and six children," the second man answered.


"Bring them as well" replied the lawyer.


They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says: "Sir you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."


The lawyer replied: "Glad to do it. You'll love my place; the grass is almost a foot tall."

 
 
 Fore Better or Worse
 
 
Apr 30, 2006 - 01:49 AM :: Admin :: 921 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UPIn primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.


Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.


Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.


Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.


The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.


There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.


Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players.


An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice: once before swinging, and once again after swinging.


Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because the cart cannot count, criticize or laugh.
 
 
 A Second Offense
 
 
Apr 29, 2006 - 12:20 PM :: Admin :: 934 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UPHer car was speeding along Interstate 80 at well over 80 miles an hour when it passed by a State Trooper's position...

Obviously, the officer was compelled to pull the young female driver over and he asked to see her license.

After looking it over, he said to her, "It stipulates here on your license that you should be wearing glasses."

"Well, I have contacts," the woman replied.

"Look lady, I don't care who you know," snapped the officer. "You're getting a ticket."


An Inmate's Last Wish
The inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the follow morning. Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to him.

But when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he didn't want anything special. When they asked if there was something special he wanted to do, he said nothing. It went on like this all day.

Finally when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold.

"No," the inmate said, "just get it over with."

"Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?" said the guard. "You didn't even want a special last meal!"

The inmate thought. "Actually," he said, "Music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions."

The guard nodded and told him to go ahead.

The inmate started, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall..."

 
 
 How to Get a Life
 
 
Apr 29, 2006 - 12:20 PM :: Admin :: 952 Reads
Things that Make you Crack UPIt's never easy to overcome a serious Internet addiction, or a hard-core computer gaming habit, but here are some easy steps to recovery!

Difficulty Level: Hard Time Required: Years


Here's How:

1) Let go of the mouse.

2) Turn off the computer.

3) Play a game of solitaire with a real deck of cards.

4) Eat something other than taco chips.

5) Get some sleep in bed rather than on your keyboard.

6) Next time you wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, don't tell everyone on your buddy list about it.

7) Open a window without turning your computer back on (yes, it is possible).

8) Very gradually expose your eyes to increasingly bright light so as to avoid damage or permanent sun blindness.

9) If you see someone, say "Hi" to them instead of trying to make the modem connect sound.

10) Visit a friend that you haven't spoken to in years because they don't have an email address.

11) Have ".com" officially removed from behind your name.

12) Go on a date with someone you didn't meet in a chat room.

 
 
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